They will make you laugh.
Best Short Jokes
[Top 100]
A Japanese student: "Master Aykodo, why do Europeans think we look all the same?"
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The master replied: "I'm not master Aykodo."***
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"
Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"
The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"
***
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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I had a dream where an evil queen forced me to eat a gigantic marshmallow.
When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
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Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.***
More TOP 100 jokes [places 11-100]
Dark Humor
Doctor: You're obese.
Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
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A son asks his mother: Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
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Mother replies: “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”***
“Will you marry me?”
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“No.”
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2 hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
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“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
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“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”***
I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog for me”
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More dark humor jokes
Short Clean Jokes
Can I tell you a good time travel joke?
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[yes]You didn't like it.
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Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can't see him.”
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How do you rob a snowman?
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With a hairdryer.***
At an interview: “So you’d be starting off at 20 000, but later on it can go up to 40 000.”
“Excellent, I’ll start later on.”
What is sticky and brown?
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A stick!***
More clean jokes
New Jokes
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
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A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
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Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”
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Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
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Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
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Insanitea
More new jokes
Very short one-liners
My boss told me that I don’t know my boundaries. So I fired him.
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Black humor is like a pair of healthy kidneys. Not everyone has it.
A cannibal came home late to family dinner. He got the cold shoulder.
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It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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It’s cleaning day today. I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
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More One-Liners
Short Dad Jokes
How do you know the ocean greets you?
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It waves.***
What did one wall say to the other wall?
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We’ll meet at the corner.***
What is white and rolls up a mountain slope?
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An avalanche who is homesick.***
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…
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It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
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Two birds.***
More Dad Jokes
Funny Sayings
You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s possibly because there’s more manure there!
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My middle finger salutes you!
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The worst thing about parallel parking are the eyewitnesses.
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I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.
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The early worm gets the bird.
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More funny sayings
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go mooo!
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
A pile-up.
A pile-up who?
Oh no, yuck!
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Urine
Urine who?
Urine trouble?
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say “Control freak who” now.
***
More knock knock jokes
Bad Jokes
Why is it impossible to fight an octopus with your bare hands?
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Because an octopus is well armed!***
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
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Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.***
A guy says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, I have a banana in my ear.” The other guy replies, “Sorry, I can’t hear you. I have a cucumber in my ear.”
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Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Cows are from the Moooooooooon.
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What is the difference between an avocado and a chicken?
They're both green, except for the chicken.
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More bad jokes
Short Marriage Jokes
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
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Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
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‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?'
‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'
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A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“
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Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
Bad news: She wants a divorce.
Terrible news: She’s a lawyer…
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More marriage jokes
Puns
How come the barber won the race?
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The cheater took a short cut.***
What do you call a typo on a tombstone?
A grave mistake.
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Why is Peter sitting in the fridge?
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“The recipe said, rest in the fridge for 1 hour.”***
Why couldn’t Mrs. Dracula sleep properly?
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Because of Dracula’s coffin.***
Where do fish sleep?
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In the RiverBed.***
More Puns
Funny Riddles
Question: I have an extra-large nose, three eyes and thirty teeth. What am I?
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Answer: Ugly***
Q: How many times could old Noah go fishing?
A: Only twice. He only had 2 worms.
***
Q: A glider lands precisely on the border between the US and Canada, one wing in each country. Which country gets the engine?
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A: Gliders have no engine.***
Q: How many months in the year have 28 days?
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A: All of them.
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Q: Why do people build new houses?
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A: Because it’s impossible to build old houses.
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More funny riddles
Hilarious Jokes
I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.
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In a boutique:
Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?
I’m sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that.
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A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!”
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The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”***
A man at a party: Hi, do you want to dance?
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Woman: Yeah, sure!
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Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!***
Save the forests!!
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Eat more beavers!!!***
More hilarious jokes
Chuck Norris Jokes
Contrary to legends, Chuck Norris does need a double. But he only uses him for scenes where he's supposed to cry.
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When it looks like margarine, smells like margarine, tastes like margarine but Chuck Norris says that it’s butter, then it is butter. Period.
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When Chuck Norris looks directly into the sun, the sun has to squint.
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Somebody asked Chuck Norris to please stop giving roundhouse kicks to people all the time.
Historians agree this was one of the biggest mistakes ever made.
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What is the last thing that goes through the head of any Chuck Norris victim?
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His foot.***
More Chuck Norris Jokes
Fun Facts
They say you cannot outrun a bear. True, but don’t panic, usually it is enough to outrun the slowest member of your hiking group.
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Sharks pee through their skin.
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In England, you are not allowed to put a stamp with the queen upside down on an envelope or a post card.
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Every year, 350 people in Paris slip on a dog poo and are hurt so badly they have to be taken to a hospital.***
Otto the Great [Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire from 962] always swore by his beard when he wanted to say something important.
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More fun facts