What are the three keys of good communication in a relationship?

Communication is the foundation of any relationship, says Darcy Sterling, a licensed clinical social worker in New York and host of E! Network’s Famously Single. “The extent to which each partner is skilled at expressing themselves, their needs and their preferences is the greatest indicator of the health and fulfillment of the relationship,” she says.

Research shows that in addition to allowing you to express concerns in a relationship, communication can help you problem-solve. “Communication is what keeps couples on the same page and feeling like they are solving problems together rather than against one another,” says Sarah Epstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia and Dallas. Effective communication also enables partners to disagree in productive, respectful ways, she adds.

Clear dialogue matters in any relationship. Some individuals might focus more on the quality of communication in intimate connections and have higher expectations of romantic partners than with family or friends, says Sterling, but the importance of communication expands beyond that.

Certain skills are necessary to maintain open channels of communication that enable relationships to thrive, whether with a romantic partner or someone else.

“Every relationship requires communication—and the quality of that communication is a predictor of how fulfilling the relationship is for both people,” says Sterling.

We all need open communication in relationships to bridge gaps in the face of a misunderstanding, and to get through our most difficult challenges. “Open communication is the spine that holds up a relationship whether it is thriving or under strain,” Epstein says.

But talking it out isn’t just about getting through the tough stuff—like disagreeing with your boss about work hours or arguing with your brother about chores—it’s what helps people deepen and fortify their relationships, too. “Good communicators use their skills to communicate their appreciation, love and respect,” says Epstein.

Below are 5 tips for communicating better in your relationship:

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions 

Communication is not just about talking about each other’s days and saying what you had to eat for lunch.  It’s about being able to dig deep and get to know this person as well as you can. It’s not always easy to dig deep, especially for those who have never been comfortable talking about their feelings. And it’s not necessary to make every conversation a heart to heart.

There are ways to do this without pressuring your S.O. to spill their deepest secrets. For example, instead of asking yes or no questions like “Did you have a good day?” try asking more open-ended questions like, “How was your day?” Yes, they may respond with a brief non-answer (“good”, “fine”, “the same”), but asking open-ended questions gives them an opportunity to share more if they choose to. Keep in mind that not everyone opens up very easily. Be patient with your partner if they are not sharing all the time. We set boundaries around our emotions and everyone’s boundaries are different. So, be mindful and respectful of their emotional boundaries, and they should be equally mindful and respectful of yours.

Ultimately, the more you get to know your S.O. on a deeper level, the more open and honest you may be with each other. And honesty breeds trust, which are two very important pillars of a healthy relationship (hint: communication is another super important pillar!).

2. Pick Up on Nonverbal Cues

If your partner says “my day was fine” but their tone sounds irritated, upset, or angry, then there may be something else that they’re feeling but not yet ready to communicate. Communication is not just about the words we say but also how we say them. Our tone and our attitude give away a lot more than just the words coming out of our mouths. And it’s honestly a skill to be able to pick up on those nonverbal cues. Look at your S.O.’s facial expressions, their hands (are they trembling/fidgety?), their body language (Are they making eye contact? Are they crossing their arms?) and listen to their tone of voice.

3. Don’t Try to Read Their Mind

Sometimes you can tell just by looking at someone what they may be feeling. It’s not always easy to do this and let’s face it: as much as we want to be mind readers, we aren’t and shouldn’t have to be. So, if you’re not sure what your partner is feeling, ask them.

If you’re the one holding things in and expecting your partner to read your mind, take a moment to appreciate the fact that your partner is making an effort by asking you what’s going on rather than ignoring the problem. Do your best to let them know how you’re feeling when you’re ready to open up about it. It’s not healthy to say you’re okay when you’re not and then get mad at your partner for not figuring it out. Be honest about how you feel to the best of your ability, and try to express it in a healthy way before it gets to the point where it blows up and someone says something they regret. Being direct is always better than being passive aggressive.

If your partner is the one who is guilty of being passive aggressive, try letting them know that it’s not really helpful for either of you when they’re not honest about how they feel. Of course, it’s awesome when we know each other so well that we can practically read each other’s’ thoughts and know exactly what to say in the right moments, but we’re human and we may make mistakes sometimes or miss cues that seem obvious to our partner or vice versa. It’s important that you both make an effort to better understand each other and be patient with each other, too.

4. Conversations are a Two-Way Street

As you communicate with your partner take note of how many times you say “I”, “You”, or “We”. If the conversation is mostly about yourself, it’s not really a conversation. Remember to turn it back to your S.O. and ask questions about how they feel, what their thoughts are, and what’s going on with them. If you find that you’re saying “You” a lot, what’s the context? Are you pointing fingers and placing blame?

Relationships are about both people, and each should have an equal say about things. Both people need to feel heard and be able to share what’s on their mind. If you feel like your partner is the one overtaking the conversations and you can’t get a word in, it’s important to let them know this. They may not be aware that they’re dominating the conversation. Conversations are like a tennis match; it should flow naturally back and forth to each person.

5. Set Aside Time to Talk

My partner and I recently moved in together and we were warned by practically everyone that it’s a “make or break” situation for couples. We were nervous, but we both had an arrogant attitude of ‘we got this’. We have always been great at communicating openly and honestly with each other. We had no idea how living together would change the way we had to communicate, but it certainly did.

The first three weeks together, we bickered constantly. We were so upset about the bickering (rather than the thing we were actually arguing over), that we ended up bickering about the fact that we were bickering! Have a headache yet? Yep, we had one for about three weeks straight. Because we are so not that couple, we finally sat down and talked it out.

We had to learn a completely new way of being with each other since we were now sharing the same space. We talked about the things that mattered (like how to spend our money) and the things that ultimately didn’t matter (who takes out the trash). Talking about those things were crucial because we would never have known what actually mattered to the other person had we not sat down to discuss it.

Ultimately, we learned that none of our bickering was about the actual things we were fighting about, but rather it was about not feeling heard or appreciated. From that day on, we decided to have what we call “Bae Sesh”, a weekly ‘session’ where we set aside an hour to speak our mind in a judgment-free space. This allows us to feel heard and respected.

Obviously, our hour-long “Bae Sesh” may not work for everyone, but it definitely works for us. We’ve been able to avoid larger conflicts, actively listen to each other, and bond and feel closer to each other because of our Bae Sessions. We may talk every day, but with both of us being so busy with work and life it’s nice to set aside time for something a little deeper.

6. Tell Them What You Need From Them

Sometimes I just want to vent and feel validated by having my partner support me by saying, “Yeah that really sucks I’m sorry!” Other times, I want advice. Like I said before, none of us are mind readers, so it’s important to try to keep your partner informed so that you’re on the same page. Saying something beforehand like, “I need to vent right now and I’m not looking for any advice, just your support,” or, “I really need your advice on this situation,” will let them know exactly what you need in that moment. 

Being direct about what you need can alleviate some of the miscommunication or stress in a given situation, too. By letting them know ahead of time, we can maybe prevent those unnecessary disagreements brought on by a miscommunication.

Communication is a Skill

Ultimately, communication is a skill, which means there’s always room for improvement. Work together with your partner to figure out how you can maintain healthy communication and stay on the same page. Be as honest, direct, kind, and thoughtful as you can. Whether it’s with a Bae Sesh, or simply making a bigger effort to open up to each other.

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